Post by Kilroy. on Jun 3, 2013 3:22:06 GMT -5
[The shot opens on a soundstage. Not just any soundstage, mind you. This one is white. Yes, completely white and featureless, a disorienting expanse of nothingness. Suddenly, the disorienting expanse of somethingness known as Kilroy Evans walks into the middle of it. He's wearing jeans, sneakers, and a custom t-shirt. This one has a shield being broken apart by a double-edged sword. He smiles in the disconcerting way only he can as he waves to the camera.]
Kilroy Evans: It's-a me, Kilroy! You know...one-half of the CRW tag team champions, one-third of the UnStable, and one-fifth of a group of teenagers with attitude charged with keeping the Earth safe by a giant alien head. One-third of that statement may not be true.
[Kilroy calmly walks closer to the camera, only stopping when he obscures the area behind him. His smile never falters.]
Kilroy Evans: Another Face Off, another show to make memories that'll last a lifetime! You know, if I do it right. Or if there're no adverse effects due to all the blunt force head trauma. Oh well, you know what they say about omelettes and eggs! *pause* An omelette sounds really good right now.
[For a second, Kilroy looks like he's ready to just leave and go for said omelette, but he bravely soldiers on.]
Kilroy Evans: But before things end as they inevitably must for our kind, I think there's something we three need to do. Do you hear me, Masset? Are you listening, King? This is important. You really know what we need to do before this match? To really make it mean something? To really make it amazing? We...
[Kilroy leans in with a conspiratorial smile on his face, as he continues in an excited manner.]
Kilroy Evans: ...need to be become friends!
[Kilroy suddenly looks concerned, like a salesman seeing a potential sale about to leave the store.]
Kilroy Evans: Wait, wait, wait! I know it sounds silly, but think about it! Really think about it! Us going into this match as friends not only enhances the match, but all of us as well! Not connecting the dots? Don't worry, that's what I'm here for.
[Kilroy smiles once more.]
Kilroy Evans: Let's be frank here, okay? Wrestling is a business full of strange bedfellows and crazy alliances. But as mixed up as things can get, having friends on your side is always a plus. Any sort of safety net you can forge around here is a good thing to have in your back pocket. Plus, we don't have to be best buddies either, you know. I could easily see us being the best of "Say hi to each other once in a while on Facebook" friends or "Might definitely send him a Christmas card" buddy. No muss, no fuss, just a friendly wave when passing one another in the hallways.
[Kilroy throws his hands up excitedly.]
Kilroy Evans: And just think of what it does for our match. Immediately, the drama heightens! Friends are going to be facing each other down at Face Off. Three incredible buddies are going to have to square off and there can be only one winner. One compadre must defeat two others. Did you hear the air get sucked out of the room by the GIGANTIC collective gasp? I know I did! Because the fans know what's up. Friends facing off are way more brutal than enemies doing the same, you know. An enemy does what he does out of hatred an anger. But a friend will fight you out of love, to bring out the best of you, the absolute most you can give. A friend fights you tooth and nail because he wants to carve out a better you made of tougher stuff than before. Let's be honest, here. Now one knows how to hurt you quite like a friend does, am I right?
[Kilroy smiles again. A smile that says "I'm totally right."]
Kilroy Evans: So think about it. You get to level up your social circle, you get an amazing fight with amazing hype, and you clearly end up a better person by the end of it. What's not to love here? But...if you need convincing, why don't we take a glimpse of what the world could be like if we become the fast friends I can tell we're destined to be.
[Kilroy steps out of shot and now sitting in the soundstage are two scarecrows on a couple of folding chairs. One has picture of Masset's face attached to the head. The other has Brett King's pasted onto it. As the camera moves in closer, Kilroy reenters from the right side and stands between them. He rests his hands on the chairs as he smiles toward the camera again.]
Kilroy Evans: I am ready to make the big leap and do things to you, Masset...
[Kilroy gestures to the first scarecrow.]
Kilroy Evans: And you, Brett King...
[Kilroy gestures to the other scarecrow.]
Kilroy Evans: ...that only a good friend would be kind enough to do to you. Like...like...
[Music starts up as Kilroy looks over to the Brett King scarecrow.]
Kilroy Evans: *singing* I'll find a rock
I mean a big-ass rock
Or maybe something like
A cinder block would be better
I'll hoist it up
And drop it on your face, my buddy
[Kilroy kneels down and places a reassuring hand on the scarecrow's shoulder.]
Kilroy Evans: *singing* And just before the lights go out
You'll see my smile and you'll know
You've got a friend
With a rock
Who cares
I mean a big-ass rock
[Kilroy immediately turns and faces the Masset scarecrow.]
Kilroy Evans: *singing* Or rope
I got some quality rope
Made for a man who's devoid of hope
Like you are, my buddy
Mitchell
[Suddenly, Andrew Kincaid and Leon Corbin enter the shot.]
Leon Corbin: Um...that's Masset.
Kilroy Evans: Masset! Right!
[Kincaid and Corbin each walk over and take position behind a scarecrow. Kilroy turns back to the Masset one.]
Kilroy Evans: *singing* And I won't leave you swinging there
Twitchin' like a fish while you claw the air
I'll grab your feet
And pal o' mine
I'll pull real hard
And SNAP your spinal cord!
[Kilroy looks at the camera, overwrought expression on his face.]
Kilroy Evans: *singing* The world is cold when you're alone
And they ignore you
But don't kill yourself
I'll do it for you
You've got a friend
[Kincaid and Corbin briefly take out and play some recorders. Surprisingly, it sounds nicely rehearsed. They put them away as the music continues and Kilroy starts talking.]
Kilroy Evans: You know, I asked a guy once if he'd mind putting Brett King in a barrel and sending him over the falls. You know what the son of a bitch said? "Drop dead, asshole."
Andrew Kincaid: People are pricks!
Kilroy Evans: I asked this guy to take his air compressor and drill Masset with a six-inch nail right through the eye...
Leon Corbin: What'd he say?
Kilroy Evans: "I'm low on nails."
Andrew Kincaid: People are selfish pricks!
Kilroy Evans: Another time, now get this, I just laid them both in front of a steam roller and asked the guy just to proceed, you know, business as usual, and just squash 'em like a bug.
Leon Corbin: We could tie a plastic laundry bag around their heads.
Andrew Kincaid: Nah, that's such a wimp way to go.
Kilroy Evans: I stuck my finger in a socket once. It hurt real bad...but it didn't kill me.
[Kincaid and Corbin wordlessly look at Kilroy, who looks back, sheepishly.]
Kilroy Evans: *singing* They've got a friend
Like Carole King
Or was it Carly Simon
Used to sing?
I always get those two confused
But anyway -
[Kincaid and Corbin bring the scarecrows over to stand by Kilroy, and they all sway back and forth in time together as he continues on.]
Kilroy Evans: *singing* Things turned around
And suddenly
They're not alone
It ain't just them
They're like players on the team (Kincaid & Corbin: Players on the team...)
They're part of the gang (Kincaid & Corbin: Part of the gang...)
Members of the club (Kincaid & Corbin: Welcome to the club!)
[There's a brief pause and Kilroy suddenly snaps his fingers as he's hit by inspiration.]
Kilroy Evans: Ooh...let's get a club!
Andrew Kincaid: I like the big-ass rock
Kilroy Evans: But one good swing and I'll clean his clock. Forever.
Andrew Kincaid: Let gravity do the work!
Kilroy Evans: It's a man's way for Monk to die, though!
Leon Corbin: Masset!
Kilroy Evans: *singing* They've got a friend!
Kincaid & Corbin: *singing* A friend who'll
Love you like a maniac
And lead you like a lamb
To the railroad track
And tie you down
Kilroy Evans: *singing* They've got a friend!
Kincaid & Corbin: *singing* Tickle your wrist
With a single-edge razor
Or buy you a beer with
A Draino chaser
Or dump you in the
River with a rock
Kilroy Evans: A big-ass rock!
Leon Corbin: I saw a nice one on the way over here
Andrew Kincaid: Can I give you a hand with that? It looked heavy.
Kilroy Evans: No, Drew. It ain't heavy...they're my friends.
[The music plays out as the scarecrows are unceremoniously dumped to the ground and the UnStable leave the shot while chatting and laughing. The shot fades out to black.A few seconds after it cuts back in. This footage, however, seems to be shot from a handheld camera of some kind, clearly being held by Kilroy himself.]
Kilroy Evans: *voice over* So, I had thought of including "Primetime" Paul Roberts in my big musical number, but then I realized something important.
[The camera moves across the soundstage until it reaches a far off corner. In it are two more scarecrows, whih are being engulfed in flames. One clearly has "Primetime" Paul Roberts' face on it. The other is harder to see, but it does have a replica Primetime foam title wrapped around its waist.]
Kilroy Evans: *voice over* The best possible outcome of any situation involving him is that he ends up in a corner, constantly on fire. Just like I envision in my head everytime I remember his dumbass insults he directed at my best friend.
[The shot lingers on the burning figures a few seconds longer, before everything cuts to black again and for good.]
Kilroy Evans: It's-a me, Kilroy! You know...one-half of the CRW tag team champions, one-third of the UnStable, and one-fifth of a group of teenagers with attitude charged with keeping the Earth safe by a giant alien head. One-third of that statement may not be true.
[Kilroy calmly walks closer to the camera, only stopping when he obscures the area behind him. His smile never falters.]
Kilroy Evans: Another Face Off, another show to make memories that'll last a lifetime! You know, if I do it right. Or if there're no adverse effects due to all the blunt force head trauma. Oh well, you know what they say about omelettes and eggs! *pause* An omelette sounds really good right now.
[For a second, Kilroy looks like he's ready to just leave and go for said omelette, but he bravely soldiers on.]
Kilroy Evans: But before things end as they inevitably must for our kind, I think there's something we three need to do. Do you hear me, Masset? Are you listening, King? This is important. You really know what we need to do before this match? To really make it mean something? To really make it amazing? We...
[Kilroy leans in with a conspiratorial smile on his face, as he continues in an excited manner.]
Kilroy Evans: ...need to be become friends!
[Kilroy suddenly looks concerned, like a salesman seeing a potential sale about to leave the store.]
Kilroy Evans: Wait, wait, wait! I know it sounds silly, but think about it! Really think about it! Us going into this match as friends not only enhances the match, but all of us as well! Not connecting the dots? Don't worry, that's what I'm here for.
[Kilroy smiles once more.]
Kilroy Evans: Let's be frank here, okay? Wrestling is a business full of strange bedfellows and crazy alliances. But as mixed up as things can get, having friends on your side is always a plus. Any sort of safety net you can forge around here is a good thing to have in your back pocket. Plus, we don't have to be best buddies either, you know. I could easily see us being the best of "Say hi to each other once in a while on Facebook" friends or "Might definitely send him a Christmas card" buddy. No muss, no fuss, just a friendly wave when passing one another in the hallways.
[Kilroy throws his hands up excitedly.]
Kilroy Evans: And just think of what it does for our match. Immediately, the drama heightens! Friends are going to be facing each other down at Face Off. Three incredible buddies are going to have to square off and there can be only one winner. One compadre must defeat two others. Did you hear the air get sucked out of the room by the GIGANTIC collective gasp? I know I did! Because the fans know what's up. Friends facing off are way more brutal than enemies doing the same, you know. An enemy does what he does out of hatred an anger. But a friend will fight you out of love, to bring out the best of you, the absolute most you can give. A friend fights you tooth and nail because he wants to carve out a better you made of tougher stuff than before. Let's be honest, here. Now one knows how to hurt you quite like a friend does, am I right?
[Kilroy smiles again. A smile that says "I'm totally right."]
Kilroy Evans: So think about it. You get to level up your social circle, you get an amazing fight with amazing hype, and you clearly end up a better person by the end of it. What's not to love here? But...if you need convincing, why don't we take a glimpse of what the world could be like if we become the fast friends I can tell we're destined to be.
[Kilroy steps out of shot and now sitting in the soundstage are two scarecrows on a couple of folding chairs. One has picture of Masset's face attached to the head. The other has Brett King's pasted onto it. As the camera moves in closer, Kilroy reenters from the right side and stands between them. He rests his hands on the chairs as he smiles toward the camera again.]
Kilroy Evans: I am ready to make the big leap and do things to you, Masset...
[Kilroy gestures to the first scarecrow.]
Kilroy Evans: And you, Brett King...
[Kilroy gestures to the other scarecrow.]
Kilroy Evans: ...that only a good friend would be kind enough to do to you. Like...like...
[Music starts up as Kilroy looks over to the Brett King scarecrow.]
Kilroy Evans: *singing* I'll find a rock
I mean a big-ass rock
Or maybe something like
A cinder block would be better
I'll hoist it up
And drop it on your face, my buddy
[Kilroy kneels down and places a reassuring hand on the scarecrow's shoulder.]
Kilroy Evans: *singing* And just before the lights go out
You'll see my smile and you'll know
You've got a friend
With a rock
Who cares
I mean a big-ass rock
[Kilroy immediately turns and faces the Masset scarecrow.]
Kilroy Evans: *singing* Or rope
I got some quality rope
Made for a man who's devoid of hope
Like you are, my buddy
Mitchell
[Suddenly, Andrew Kincaid and Leon Corbin enter the shot.]
Leon Corbin: Um...that's Masset.
Kilroy Evans: Masset! Right!
[Kincaid and Corbin each walk over and take position behind a scarecrow. Kilroy turns back to the Masset one.]
Kilroy Evans: *singing* And I won't leave you swinging there
Twitchin' like a fish while you claw the air
I'll grab your feet
And pal o' mine
I'll pull real hard
And SNAP your spinal cord!
[Kilroy looks at the camera, overwrought expression on his face.]
Kilroy Evans: *singing* The world is cold when you're alone
And they ignore you
But don't kill yourself
I'll do it for you
You've got a friend
[Kincaid and Corbin briefly take out and play some recorders. Surprisingly, it sounds nicely rehearsed. They put them away as the music continues and Kilroy starts talking.]
Kilroy Evans: You know, I asked a guy once if he'd mind putting Brett King in a barrel and sending him over the falls. You know what the son of a bitch said? "Drop dead, asshole."
Andrew Kincaid: People are pricks!
Kilroy Evans: I asked this guy to take his air compressor and drill Masset with a six-inch nail right through the eye...
Leon Corbin: What'd he say?
Kilroy Evans: "I'm low on nails."
Andrew Kincaid: People are selfish pricks!
Kilroy Evans: Another time, now get this, I just laid them both in front of a steam roller and asked the guy just to proceed, you know, business as usual, and just squash 'em like a bug.
Leon Corbin: We could tie a plastic laundry bag around their heads.
Andrew Kincaid: Nah, that's such a wimp way to go.
Kilroy Evans: I stuck my finger in a socket once. It hurt real bad...but it didn't kill me.
[Kincaid and Corbin wordlessly look at Kilroy, who looks back, sheepishly.]
Kilroy Evans: *singing* They've got a friend
Like Carole King
Or was it Carly Simon
Used to sing?
I always get those two confused
But anyway -
[Kincaid and Corbin bring the scarecrows over to stand by Kilroy, and they all sway back and forth in time together as he continues on.]
Kilroy Evans: *singing* Things turned around
And suddenly
They're not alone
It ain't just them
They're like players on the team (Kincaid & Corbin: Players on the team...)
They're part of the gang (Kincaid & Corbin: Part of the gang...)
Members of the club (Kincaid & Corbin: Welcome to the club!)
[There's a brief pause and Kilroy suddenly snaps his fingers as he's hit by inspiration.]
Kilroy Evans: Ooh...let's get a club!
Andrew Kincaid: I like the big-ass rock
Kilroy Evans: But one good swing and I'll clean his clock. Forever.
Andrew Kincaid: Let gravity do the work!
Kilroy Evans: It's a man's way for Monk to die, though!
Leon Corbin: Masset!
Kilroy Evans: *singing* They've got a friend!
Kincaid & Corbin: *singing* A friend who'll
Love you like a maniac
And lead you like a lamb
To the railroad track
And tie you down
Kilroy Evans: *singing* They've got a friend!
Kincaid & Corbin: *singing* Tickle your wrist
With a single-edge razor
Or buy you a beer with
A Draino chaser
Or dump you in the
River with a rock
Kilroy Evans: A big-ass rock!
Leon Corbin: I saw a nice one on the way over here
Andrew Kincaid: Can I give you a hand with that? It looked heavy.
Kilroy Evans: No, Drew. It ain't heavy...they're my friends.
[The music plays out as the scarecrows are unceremoniously dumped to the ground and the UnStable leave the shot while chatting and laughing. The shot fades out to black.A few seconds after it cuts back in. This footage, however, seems to be shot from a handheld camera of some kind, clearly being held by Kilroy himself.]
Kilroy Evans: *voice over* So, I had thought of including "Primetime" Paul Roberts in my big musical number, but then I realized something important.
[The camera moves across the soundstage until it reaches a far off corner. In it are two more scarecrows, whih are being engulfed in flames. One clearly has "Primetime" Paul Roberts' face on it. The other is harder to see, but it does have a replica Primetime foam title wrapped around its waist.]
Kilroy Evans: *voice over* The best possible outcome of any situation involving him is that he ends up in a corner, constantly on fire. Just like I envision in my head everytime I remember his dumbass insults he directed at my best friend.
[The shot lingers on the burning figures a few seconds longer, before everything cuts to black again and for good.]