Post by Jun Mazuki on Jun 4, 2013 23:19:10 GMT -5
[We open up on a News Desk that says a bunch of stuff in Japanese that the editors are too lazy to translate for you, some serious music plays, newsy music, music that makes you stop filming whatever promo you may or may not be filming and pay attention. A Japanese woman in a smart business suit that looks way more expensive than the stuff we saw in the Primetime Production piece, because The Un-Stable has access to better seamstresses, Leon made some calls and magic happened. Mannequins are high rent, man.]
Akiko Takugawa, All Japan International News: Reports are that former Hardkore World Wrestling Champion and Super Awesome Happy Murder Gaijin, Andrew Fuckin’ “Carnage” Kincaid has gone missing.
Akiko Takugawa, All Japan International News: The story broke when international superstar and sometimes wrestle-man, “Primetime”Paul Roberts, known for beating Leander Apollo and pining after the entry level wrestling championship belt in Code Red Wrestling based out of New York City started a search party wherein they interviewed paid actors to recite the boring drivel and grade school insults that the sixth graders panned.
[We cut to a random sixth grader.]
Sixth Grader; What level of mental retardation would a grown man have to have to lock himself in a bathroom? Like Andrew Kincaid would be that dumb. Does he really think that’s funny? You know what is funny?
[The sixth grader starts to do arm farts.]
Akiko Takugawa, All Japan International News: Other sources have panned the revelation stating basic flaws in it’s premise, namely that the man affectionally known as Carnage-kun here in Japan was last seen in a pub, when Andrew Kincaid, a known Mormon is known to not drink alcohol, and would have no reason to be in a pub, unless they served delicious fish and chips, but there’s a great fish and chips place near The Warehouse where he spends most of his time.
[The reporter starts to remove her blazer.]
Another questionable tidbit was Carnage-kun’s “grandmother” who has been shown before in promos and thus it would be pretty dumb to try and pass off someone else as his grandmother, but this is “Primetime” Paul Roberts who is reporting this, so we take what we can get, even if it’s a shit-sandwich made on diarrhea bread.
[The blazer is now off and she starts to undo her top buttons of her blouse.]
We here at All Japan International News will keep you, our viewing public up to date on any new information we find out,
Off-camera: What are you doing? Why are you taking off your clothes?
Akiko Takugawa, All Japan International News: Uh... I... I don’t know.
[Jun Mazuki wheelchairs himself onto the set.]
Jun Mazuki: You may proceed.
******************************************************
It’s been twenty-four hours, thirty-eight minutes and fourty-three seconds since Unca Drew went missing, big massive beard, twinkling eyes full of mayhem, endearingly creepy smile that some girls get weak in the knees for. I’m not one of them, but I’ve seen broads swoon for’em, but no dame can tame him, not one he’s met yet, and I ain’t lookin’ to be the first, then again, what do I know? I’m only six.
Last he was seen he was singin’ back-up for my old man, Kilroy Evans...[/i]
Kilroy Evans: What do you mean “old?” I’m 35!
Joan Evans: Sorry, I mean ooooooooooooooooooooooooold.
[Joan is wearing a reasonable real life interpretation of Carmen Sandiego’s red trenchcoat and oversized fedora, she’s holding up a magnifying glass and has a bubble pipe sticking out of her teeth, because nothing is more adorable than Sherlock Sandiego Evans.]
Joan Evans: Daddy, I’m trying to narrate my inner thoughts here.
Kilroy Evans: So, “pony, pony, pony, pony, pony, pony, pony, pony?”
[She gives him a death stare, and casually blows a bubble out of her pipe that Kilroy gleefully chases off camera. A few seconds later we hear a disappointed “Aw”.]
Anyways, he was helping out Kilroy Evans bring to life his artistic interpretation of Big Butt Rock, I know that ain’t the real title, but Mama gets mad when I say “ass.” That’s another dime in the Swear Jar, but I’m not worried about that, I’m worried about the man some call the Headdropping Uncle, and other’s call Mister Flippin’ Sunshine, but I just call him Unca Drew, and I mean to find him.[/i]
[Detective Joan Evans enters a Sub-Zero Ice Cream shop.]
I walk into the well kept creamery, the smiling attendant behind the counter looks to be no older than sixteen, seventeen tops. Her bubbly voice welcomes me inside, and asks if I’m lost. Of course, I’m not lost, Unca Drew is lost, doesn’t the girl read the papers? Or watch “Primetime” Paul Roberts promos? I shake my head, “no” and casually walk up to the counter.[/i]
Joan Evans: Chocolate, with milk, almonds and coconut... make it quick and there might be something extra in it for you.
I flash a Twenty, showing I mean business, Almond Joy Ice Cream is no laughing matter, and the girl nods and gets to work, she’s quick, and efficient, she might know something, something that she isn’t telling me, so I put on my nice-gloves, a gentle touch is how you break a dame like this, a bit of flattery, flash some cash and they’ll sell out their Grandma’s Apple Pie for a song. On that note, I need to have pops take me by Grammy K’s for pie after this. That hellcat might even give me pink lemonade, because she's really mean, or something. Look I'm trying to make Paul's stuff sound good, but there's not much to work with here.[/i]
Joan Evans: You been on shift long?
Sub Zero Girl: Since this morning.
Joan Evans: You see a tall man, with a massive beard and built like a Mack truck, toots? He has tattoos on both arms, an easily seen distinguishing mark that other investigations overlooked because they aren’t as smart as a six year old girl dressed as Carmen Sandiego.
Sub Zero Girl: Oh, yeah, he’s a regular, he hasn’t been in for a couple of days though, maybe he’s busy with work or something.
The girl finished off my ice cream and I tipped her well, she put some whip cream on top that I didn’t ask for, because I knew Unca Drew, and I looked longingly at the cream. The girl was bright, brighter than everyone involved with Primetime Productions, giving a logical reason why Unca Drew hadn’t been seen for a bit, he has other things to do, like run a clothing company, a wrestling school and yell at kids to stay off his lawn. He’s a busy man, but I must find him, he owes me, and I’m going to collect in full. Even if it keeps him from talking about how he's going to beat Paul Roberts into a pulpy mess of strawberry yogurt that melted in the hot July sun.[/i]
[Joan hops into a car with her dad at the steering wheel, they pull out of the parking lot. It jump cuts to Joan getting out of the car near a park, some guys are playing Ultimate Frisbee, an older couple walk a dog, and a family eats a picnic on one of the tables.]
Fools, stupid fools, how can they just enjoy life when Unca Drew hasn’t been promoting his match against “Primetime” Paul Roberts? Don’t they know that he only did one five days ago? Paul Roberts is worried, he’s so worried that he has to keep reminding us that Unca Drew hasn’t promoed because he has nothing else worth listening to. Just how he’s so great and did stuff, and how he’s going to be Primetime Champion and that he can’t be bothered to listen to the advice given from Unca Drew, the advice that Unca Drew injures people, he lifts’em up and slams them down, and lifts them up and slams them down and then they don’t get up anymore.
Like the time I dropped Barbie off a roof of a hotel to see what would happen. It wasn’t pretty.
Maybe Unca Drew finally snapped, after years of dealing with the dumbest people in professional wrestling he found the breaking point, that last piece of straw that broke his mind-camels’ back, he could survive the Shiros, he could outlast Pat Bozzini talking non-stop for an entire month, but the raging cesspool of stupid that Paul Roberts is spewing out broke Unca Drew. He’s not hiding, he’s gone mad, running wild in the wilderness Lariating deer and cooking their meat for food and wearing their skin for clothes, he talks to Yorlik now, the mad world he lived in finally all makes sense and you brought that upon him, Paul.
[/i]
[Joan has been swinging on a swingset for most of the past monologue, she hops off the swing, and drags some of the treebark around with her sandaled foot.]
Pops told me after I tossed Flufflepuff off the Marriott, “Look what your careless hands have wrought” I didn’t understand him then, but I think I do a little now, thanks to you Paul Roberts. Maybe he’ll never come back, but I think he will, I think we’ll see Unca Drew again, and when he steps into the ring with you? You’ll see what your carelessness brings to you.
Spoiler alert, it brings pain.
It brings a shorter career, you could know that if you actually spent time looking into Unca Drew’s background, honing up on your homework like you said you would, but instead you worry about your Primetime Productions that had the worst lie ever told, that bit at the beginning where you said it was for “Entertainment purposes” I didn’t see any clowns, or fire-jugglers, there wasn’t any singing like pops did, or pies to the face, there wasn’t a car chase and I don’t remember anything blowing up.
You lied to all of us Paul Roberts, but worst of all, you lied to yourself. I think you started doing research, you started looking into what Unca Drew is, what Unca Drew does, and you got scared, not in the usual scared where someone sneaks up behind you and says “Boo!” real loud, the scared you get from the Monsters Under The Bed, the things you see at night that send you thinking about the awful things they might do to you.
Funny thing about those Monsters Under The Bed, they never bothered me, I had pops, and I had Unca Drew and what could be scarier than them angry? I looked a bloody Boogeyman right in the face, and didn’t blink.
You blinked didn’t you? You are worried about where he is, because you want to feel safe again. You have nothing to worry about, Unca Drew won’t come at you from behind, he won’t hide, he’ll walk straight at you, he’ll look you flush in the eye and he’ll mow you down. He told you exactly what he’d do to you, and he’ll do it. But you already know that don’t you?
That’s when he showed up, wearing a green and gold track suit and running shoes he rose up over the small hill on the running path in the park, his hair pulled back with a white bandana he waved at me and jogged over to me like nothing was wrong, like I wasn’t worried about him. Selfish jerk, didn’t he know what he’d put me and Paul Roberts through? Didn’t he understand?[/i]
Andrew “Carnage” Kincaid: Sup Princess Murderhorse? Ready to go see that movie?
I wrap my arms around him, my fingers just brushing against one another because his chest is so big, so warm, I bury my face in his shoulder. How can he just talk so calmly?[/i]
Andrew “Carnage” Kincaid: What’s with her?
Kilroy Evans: She’s been pretending she’s in a noir film looking for you.
Andrew “Carnage” Kincaid: Oh. Hey Kiddo, lets go see Epic.
And just like that everything was peachy-keen and roses and lollipops, you had to admit, he knew how to treat a girl, at least this girl. Darn-able rogue that he was, you can’t stay made at him, and as we got into the car, I had only one thought, a thought that fans over the years had echoed.
Carnage gonna kill you.[/i]
[As the scene fades, we see what Joan's been making with her foot, a snarky smilie, the mascot of 4chan.]
Akiko Takugawa, All Japan International News: Reports are that former Hardkore World Wrestling Champion and Super Awesome Happy Murder Gaijin, Andrew Fuckin’ “Carnage” Kincaid has gone missing.
Akiko Takugawa, All Japan International News: The story broke when international superstar and sometimes wrestle-man, “Primetime”Paul Roberts, known for beating Leander Apollo and pining after the entry level wrestling championship belt in Code Red Wrestling based out of New York City started a search party wherein they interviewed paid actors to recite the boring drivel and grade school insults that the sixth graders panned.
[We cut to a random sixth grader.]
Sixth Grader; What level of mental retardation would a grown man have to have to lock himself in a bathroom? Like Andrew Kincaid would be that dumb. Does he really think that’s funny? You know what is funny?
[The sixth grader starts to do arm farts.]
Akiko Takugawa, All Japan International News: Other sources have panned the revelation stating basic flaws in it’s premise, namely that the man affectionally known as Carnage-kun here in Japan was last seen in a pub, when Andrew Kincaid, a known Mormon is known to not drink alcohol, and would have no reason to be in a pub, unless they served delicious fish and chips, but there’s a great fish and chips place near The Warehouse where he spends most of his time.
[The reporter starts to remove her blazer.]
Another questionable tidbit was Carnage-kun’s “grandmother” who has been shown before in promos and thus it would be pretty dumb to try and pass off someone else as his grandmother, but this is “Primetime” Paul Roberts who is reporting this, so we take what we can get, even if it’s a shit-sandwich made on diarrhea bread.
[The blazer is now off and she starts to undo her top buttons of her blouse.]
We here at All Japan International News will keep you, our viewing public up to date on any new information we find out,
Off-camera: What are you doing? Why are you taking off your clothes?
Akiko Takugawa, All Japan International News: Uh... I... I don’t know.
[Jun Mazuki wheelchairs himself onto the set.]
Jun Mazuki: You may proceed.
******************************************************
It’s been twenty-four hours, thirty-eight minutes and fourty-three seconds since Unca Drew went missing, big massive beard, twinkling eyes full of mayhem, endearingly creepy smile that some girls get weak in the knees for. I’m not one of them, but I’ve seen broads swoon for’em, but no dame can tame him, not one he’s met yet, and I ain’t lookin’ to be the first, then again, what do I know? I’m only six.
Last he was seen he was singin’ back-up for my old man, Kilroy Evans...[/i]
Kilroy Evans: What do you mean “old?” I’m 35!
Joan Evans: Sorry, I mean ooooooooooooooooooooooooold.
[Joan is wearing a reasonable real life interpretation of Carmen Sandiego’s red trenchcoat and oversized fedora, she’s holding up a magnifying glass and has a bubble pipe sticking out of her teeth, because nothing is more adorable than Sherlock Sandiego Evans.]
Joan Evans: Daddy, I’m trying to narrate my inner thoughts here.
Kilroy Evans: So, “pony, pony, pony, pony, pony, pony, pony, pony?”
[She gives him a death stare, and casually blows a bubble out of her pipe that Kilroy gleefully chases off camera. A few seconds later we hear a disappointed “Aw”.]
Anyways, he was helping out Kilroy Evans bring to life his artistic interpretation of Big Butt Rock, I know that ain’t the real title, but Mama gets mad when I say “ass.” That’s another dime in the Swear Jar, but I’m not worried about that, I’m worried about the man some call the Headdropping Uncle, and other’s call Mister Flippin’ Sunshine, but I just call him Unca Drew, and I mean to find him.[/i]
[Detective Joan Evans enters a Sub-Zero Ice Cream shop.]
I walk into the well kept creamery, the smiling attendant behind the counter looks to be no older than sixteen, seventeen tops. Her bubbly voice welcomes me inside, and asks if I’m lost. Of course, I’m not lost, Unca Drew is lost, doesn’t the girl read the papers? Or watch “Primetime” Paul Roberts promos? I shake my head, “no” and casually walk up to the counter.[/i]
Joan Evans: Chocolate, with milk, almonds and coconut... make it quick and there might be something extra in it for you.
I flash a Twenty, showing I mean business, Almond Joy Ice Cream is no laughing matter, and the girl nods and gets to work, she’s quick, and efficient, she might know something, something that she isn’t telling me, so I put on my nice-gloves, a gentle touch is how you break a dame like this, a bit of flattery, flash some cash and they’ll sell out their Grandma’s Apple Pie for a song. On that note, I need to have pops take me by Grammy K’s for pie after this. That hellcat might even give me pink lemonade, because she's really mean, or something. Look I'm trying to make Paul's stuff sound good, but there's not much to work with here.[/i]
Joan Evans: You been on shift long?
Sub Zero Girl: Since this morning.
Joan Evans: You see a tall man, with a massive beard and built like a Mack truck, toots? He has tattoos on both arms, an easily seen distinguishing mark that other investigations overlooked because they aren’t as smart as a six year old girl dressed as Carmen Sandiego.
Sub Zero Girl: Oh, yeah, he’s a regular, he hasn’t been in for a couple of days though, maybe he’s busy with work or something.
The girl finished off my ice cream and I tipped her well, she put some whip cream on top that I didn’t ask for, because I knew Unca Drew, and I looked longingly at the cream. The girl was bright, brighter than everyone involved with Primetime Productions, giving a logical reason why Unca Drew hadn’t been seen for a bit, he has other things to do, like run a clothing company, a wrestling school and yell at kids to stay off his lawn. He’s a busy man, but I must find him, he owes me, and I’m going to collect in full. Even if it keeps him from talking about how he's going to beat Paul Roberts into a pulpy mess of strawberry yogurt that melted in the hot July sun.[/i]
[Joan hops into a car with her dad at the steering wheel, they pull out of the parking lot. It jump cuts to Joan getting out of the car near a park, some guys are playing Ultimate Frisbee, an older couple walk a dog, and a family eats a picnic on one of the tables.]
Fools, stupid fools, how can they just enjoy life when Unca Drew hasn’t been promoting his match against “Primetime” Paul Roberts? Don’t they know that he only did one five days ago? Paul Roberts is worried, he’s so worried that he has to keep reminding us that Unca Drew hasn’t promoed because he has nothing else worth listening to. Just how he’s so great and did stuff, and how he’s going to be Primetime Champion and that he can’t be bothered to listen to the advice given from Unca Drew, the advice that Unca Drew injures people, he lifts’em up and slams them down, and lifts them up and slams them down and then they don’t get up anymore.
Like the time I dropped Barbie off a roof of a hotel to see what would happen. It wasn’t pretty.
Maybe Unca Drew finally snapped, after years of dealing with the dumbest people in professional wrestling he found the breaking point, that last piece of straw that broke his mind-camels’ back, he could survive the Shiros, he could outlast Pat Bozzini talking non-stop for an entire month, but the raging cesspool of stupid that Paul Roberts is spewing out broke Unca Drew. He’s not hiding, he’s gone mad, running wild in the wilderness Lariating deer and cooking their meat for food and wearing their skin for clothes, he talks to Yorlik now, the mad world he lived in finally all makes sense and you brought that upon him, Paul.
[/i]
[Joan has been swinging on a swingset for most of the past monologue, she hops off the swing, and drags some of the treebark around with her sandaled foot.]
Pops told me after I tossed Flufflepuff off the Marriott, “Look what your careless hands have wrought” I didn’t understand him then, but I think I do a little now, thanks to you Paul Roberts. Maybe he’ll never come back, but I think he will, I think we’ll see Unca Drew again, and when he steps into the ring with you? You’ll see what your carelessness brings to you.
Spoiler alert, it brings pain.
It brings a shorter career, you could know that if you actually spent time looking into Unca Drew’s background, honing up on your homework like you said you would, but instead you worry about your Primetime Productions that had the worst lie ever told, that bit at the beginning where you said it was for “Entertainment purposes” I didn’t see any clowns, or fire-jugglers, there wasn’t any singing like pops did, or pies to the face, there wasn’t a car chase and I don’t remember anything blowing up.
You lied to all of us Paul Roberts, but worst of all, you lied to yourself. I think you started doing research, you started looking into what Unca Drew is, what Unca Drew does, and you got scared, not in the usual scared where someone sneaks up behind you and says “Boo!” real loud, the scared you get from the Monsters Under The Bed, the things you see at night that send you thinking about the awful things they might do to you.
Funny thing about those Monsters Under The Bed, they never bothered me, I had pops, and I had Unca Drew and what could be scarier than them angry? I looked a bloody Boogeyman right in the face, and didn’t blink.
You blinked didn’t you? You are worried about where he is, because you want to feel safe again. You have nothing to worry about, Unca Drew won’t come at you from behind, he won’t hide, he’ll walk straight at you, he’ll look you flush in the eye and he’ll mow you down. He told you exactly what he’d do to you, and he’ll do it. But you already know that don’t you?
That’s when he showed up, wearing a green and gold track suit and running shoes he rose up over the small hill on the running path in the park, his hair pulled back with a white bandana he waved at me and jogged over to me like nothing was wrong, like I wasn’t worried about him. Selfish jerk, didn’t he know what he’d put me and Paul Roberts through? Didn’t he understand?[/i]
Andrew “Carnage” Kincaid: Sup Princess Murderhorse? Ready to go see that movie?
I wrap my arms around him, my fingers just brushing against one another because his chest is so big, so warm, I bury my face in his shoulder. How can he just talk so calmly?[/i]
Andrew “Carnage” Kincaid: What’s with her?
Kilroy Evans: She’s been pretending she’s in a noir film looking for you.
Andrew “Carnage” Kincaid: Oh. Hey Kiddo, lets go see Epic.
And just like that everything was peachy-keen and roses and lollipops, you had to admit, he knew how to treat a girl, at least this girl. Darn-able rogue that he was, you can’t stay made at him, and as we got into the car, I had only one thought, a thought that fans over the years had echoed.
Carnage gonna kill you.[/i]
[As the scene fades, we see what Joan's been making with her foot, a snarky smilie, the mascot of 4chan.]